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May 3, 2012
Just have a bit of a strain I am trying to work on. Lately my nerves have been acting up, and I have been playing games I find emotionally appealing. I made the mistake of stirring up trouble on a few forums, I thought this might help me work out some tension, while it seems to have, it has stirred up a few problems. Its getting hard to relax. I spend most of my time looking over various anime art. I even go from game to game. I am wondering if I can relieve some tension by discussing this on a forum. It is difficult to talk about problems normally, but I assume it would be useful. I have found games like kara no shoujo to be rather calming. I used to identify with it. Innocent Grey games seem to have a nice dark appeal to them. The Age games can relax me a bit, but then make a nervous after a while. Falcom games such as Gensousangokushi are useful to an extent. I am just wondering if there is any thoughts on this... It would certainly be nice if I could relieve my tension here. This is why I am posting in any case.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but apparently... those games gives some influences to your mind, no? Especially after knowing that you play visual novels, too.

Try this, since I've once had the same "problem" as yours.
Put simply, you must be able to separate feelings you've got from those games from the real life. But before that, uh...

Um, do you... uh, receive emotional influence from games well?
I am not sure, the problem is I cannot determine whether I am influenced by art, or rather I am influenced by myself. My self is different... It would seem that I examine things through an individual self, but I do not know what a collective self is. I keep confusing myself for a collective, and neglect my own perspective on things. I notice that I cannot differentiate on likes, and dislikes as a result. My reasoning is angler, or so I believe. Individual perspective means that I see things through my own eyes, but do not comprehend other perspectives. I have a firm belief that the self is absolute, and cannot be denied... Rather this is due to my isolation, I am not sure. I spent a lot of time alone growing up, and was unable to form connections with my surroundings. This was because, I had not idea what things were. I thought I was the only person who existed on this planet. I believe that everything is a universal self. That nothing can be taken out of individual context. That all creation is self created. Rather it is real is not the question. It is simply a matter of what is. I do not know what a self is. I see things through my own perspective, and am puzzled by anything else. Angler reasoning deals with what I believe to be differences in my environment. I do not see similar. I compare myself to others based on their differences from my individual perspective. I am unsure what similars are... I think that everything is different, or so I believe. This seems to cause contradictions unconsciously, but I believe it is certainly correct. Similarities I view in revulsion, and do not like the idea of comparing myself to people around me. I believe myself to be unalienable or so it would seem. This is why I find it puzzling when people contradict my perspective, or ignore it as biased. Instead of using it. It seems they demand quotes, but do not care about perspective. I do not understand this in the slightest.
My mood is acting up again so I am going to start another post here, rather then another thread on the same thing... Well I have been getting into fights regarding how many threads I should make, and based on what topics. I mean people tend to see the same thing in all posts. I personally don't like double posts, but I suppose double threads can be tedious as well. I generally do not see much of use in considering where I should post, but I like to exercise minimal discretion. I do not like it when people get rather finicky over my expressions, as I do not see the significance. I generally post in order to adjust my process. As I have described before there are to formats of processing. One deals with individual units, others groups. Two by twos deal with similarities, differences deal with ones. When I compare myself to individuals, I am processing a single unit. I actually mean to differ, but this is the consequence of my psychological condition. I am currently struggling with two by two processes that conflict with my internal condition. I only process individual units by comparison, and cannot make valid conclusions based on this. I remember once having to do a report on differences in formats. The best example I can describe is digital processing resembles that which is unreal. Things described as actualistic tend to be manual in comparison. The term could be analogistics. This is the origin of logic structures. Then emotion is a digital process that deals with individual interface. My emotions prevent me from processing logical formats. This is related to the damage of their internal structure. I have a habit of differing to my environment in order to preform logical conclusions. These conclusions are self destructive. I struggle to preform internal processing, at the expense of logical structures. This results in constant collision with my surroundings. I cannot seem to process internally without pursuing the instinctive destructions of all processes. The pain of this process has been substantial. My processes exists outside of established structure. Most eroge seem to incorporate digital formats, like illusion for example. Along with the other games I have illustrated. The writers of Innocent Grey seem to resemble my process.
Digital processes deal with miniturized material. The idea is to reduce the experiences to a point where they are no longer noticed. In comparison this world seems to deal with environmental conditions. Note that people tend to speak of environmental context when relating themselves to others instead of individual context. This is the difference between such perspectives. Like say when you see a grid of lines. Question whether you are seeing squares lined together, or a grid of lines that look like squares. The later is most likely my perspective, though I might affirm the former by instinct. This is because I do not possess a digital process. It exists parallel to me. More accurately behind me. All processes that contain digital processes do not exist in society. By impulse I reduce processes that do not conform to me out of a hatred for my environment. I reduce group context into individual context. I hate groups. They are useless, because they do not conform to individual context. If I want a good looking female, where can I find her? Without context most people will only go on what they think is good looking, but will most likely not fit the bill. I mean come on, most people don't even have a context for their expressions. This is what I mean about meaninglessness, but this isn't because there is no meaning. It is because there is no intent. What I mean is that people do not do anything. I pretend to philosophize like a poet, but all I really want is somebody to provide some kind of service to me. Most people don't even have any awareness on what a service is. I would be much happier if I could give specifications on what I like, or maybe somebody can provide a service for my context. Of course I would need one first. I like individual context, and dislike groups for the most part. Individual support practically non existant at this point. There is no context for individual selves. Only group selves. I seriously hate it when everybody tries to relate with me, I do not want to be related with.
So I process information automatically, and this world is a manual process. This isn't very useful, but I like the art... Kara no Kyoukai was a good anime, White Album seems to produce darker emotions. My emotions are mainly dark, I do not have as much familiarity with the other processes in comparison. I just finished reading some of the Mahou Tsukai no Yoru. I like the art, but the energy can cause anxiety if I have some caffeine. I have problems sleeping because I constantly trigger anxiety in attempts to regain energy... I tend to be in short supply of it, and I dislike open spaces. I like being self contained, so I do not feel like I am surrounded by unwanted energy. Games that produce darker emotions tend to be my preference. Innocent Grey is one of my favorites. I have enjoyed a variety of games however, but I cannot find enough that I really like. I simply cannot stand anything that produces anxiety. Anime art has always been my lifeblood, and I simply cannot do without it, I usually browse the art at ErogameScape. I find manual processes to be offensive, yet they are everywhere. Processes with circular motion are not as common, but I cannot stand any other. Digital processing is what I am talking about here. Analogs think in twos, digitals ones. There are two kinds of digital processes. Take Age for example, that one deals with functions, and TypeMoon deals with forms. This is the difference between them, but they process information automatically. Note that there are different kinds of circles dealing with forms, and functions. I generally am drawn to ones similar to these. Illusion art is interesting as it is 3d dealing with motion. I do not find 3d art as interesting online.
I face scrutiny whenever I post online... This is rather disturbing, as I do not understand why it is necessary to attack my posts. I am honest about what I wish to discuss. I do ask questions, and find it easier to just speak my mind. This allows me to clear up messes. I have found that Liar Soft games are more like me, then other ones. It is odd that people take offense to my posts, as I do not attack anyone personally, I do not care about responses, but would rather there be none, if one cannot provide a constructive result. I enjoy anime art, but recollect some of the older ones I used to watch. They were much darker, and more reasoned out compared to the anime nowadays. A lot of them dealt with biological experimentations. I have always prefered pc games over console games, mainly because the gameplay was more varied. Newer games nowadays have very little adaptability. It is more interesting to experiment on a large range of outcomes. I like to personlize my customization of all aspects in my games, and enjoy things that have a plain interface.
This is useless... I am making random conjectures, I am not sure what I mean in all this... I wish I knew, but it appears that no one will cooperate with me. Save for the random attacks, it appears I have no awareness of what I am actually doing, all I know is I am tired of living like this, and wish I could be understood... It appears that my existence is an error of some kind... All I do is suffer, and it seems like people enjoy it...
Alright so my conclusion is that life is chaos, and I am just sorting through my feelings on this... I am a mess... I wish I could have done better, but it looks like I have endured the limits of pain... I wonder why I am so prone to neurosis in the first place, you think some kind of trauma... It seems like madness... My life is a train wreck, and I keep provoking hostilities online, that I do not like, yet expect it seems... I am too focused on the conclusion, and have developed all kinds of problems... All this regret is meaningless... I mean in the end, nothing matters... Life goes on, too bad I can't seem to endure it. It just happens, and there is no real solution, the only thing that matters is me. But I do not like the responsibility of making my own decisions. I feel like I would be happy if I didn't even have awareness... Like I am drifting in some kind of dream, in fact I seem to think fonder of my dreams recently... Its like I don't even want to exist... Like I am not supposed to exist, like life is some kind of error. I feel like life is an error... I feel like I am an error...
So if everything is random, then there is no way for me to get a definite result on anything... As a result I cannot determine a outcome. I do not know what to do as a result, as my existence is the relation. I do not have the structure... I have thus determined a structure. My existence is outside of solids... As a result I cannot comprehend them, and my reasoning fails me as a result. This result is the construct known as chaos... Meaning that things differ, and do not simulate. People say similarities are amongst the same, but I do not simulate. I differentiate between concepts. I cannot fathom an outcome that is predictable.
So if everything is relative, then I should not be pursuing absolute outcomes... But merely focusing on relative segments. I need to break down the process. So I have been trying to determine an outcome, but I have none. Because there is no outcome. It is only a matter of process. Well I have enjoyed things that produce random results. Things that focus on relation, and not just a standard outcome. A lot of it had to do with individual standards, and did not deal with group related standards. Mainly dealing with individual possesions. I have played such. It seems I got distracted with other ones though. Something to do with quality of interface. It is mainly a form of distraction. Liar Soft does seem to deal with relations, and some of the darker hgames as well. Anim for example I believe... A lot of the older anime I watched did, and I recount one of the oldest anime I saw... Key The Metal Idol... I saw that on a public access channel.
I am not feeling well... I just got myself into another fight. Apparently we do not see eye to eye over the fact that I see life as some kind of mindless game. I mean why live, if its painful? Of course my problem is that everything is the cause of my pain... My family first... I really lost it growing up... I get addicted to things that I really liked, and got disappointed when I couldn't sustain them. I ended getting really bored frequently. I do not understand anything, but I do know that I have suffered quite a bit, especially recently... I mean that I am underabled. I cannot make valid proposals, and am constantly at lost as to what I really am. I have been doing things that have not been useful, and cannot seem to figure out what is, but recently I have been able to discern over things. I remember playing Soft House games... I enjoyed the mindless activities provided by them... I like endless variety in my life, and dislike self righteousness. Considering all the pain I have gone through... I simply cannot coexist with this...
I think I know who I am now.. I think I will stick with things that have angles. This would at least help I guess. Its hard figuring everything myself. Too hard. I feel as though this world processes too quickly. As if an outcome has been determined. When I communicate with people, they don't even know I exist. Too bad... It seems my existence is obvious enough to me. That doesn't do anything, and means I have to suffer, or I will disappear. If I don't destroy the process, it will destroy me. I have no control over anything, makes me wonder why I exist in the first place. Parasites... Ouch...
So this world is taken over by a group tank, and I cannot exercise individual thought, because will let me. As if this world was constructed in order to prevent individual thought in the first place... As a result my circumstances prevent me from making individual judgements, and instead attacks me frequently. Even making the attempt to come to individual conclusions gets me attacked online. I also get disturbed by people all the time... This is as if they are unconsciously provoking me. I do not believe in coincidents. I mean that these things all happen on purpose. It is one hundred percent likely that this world is a deliberate construct created in order to undermine my process. I never had a choice in the first place, all I could do is take the pain, because everybody is trying to destroy my mind. Like a bunch of mindless brain eating zombies. So I have to fend for my survival in isolation in order to win this game. Otherwise I have no choice but to destroy myself, but see no reason as I have suffered enough. Kinda crazy... I wish that this made sense, but parasites are like that I guess... They don't have a reason for anything. It angers me when I see people going outside by my window out in the living room... I seriously hate sharing space with them. I only wish I had my own freedom, but there is none. This world has a fixed outcome, and does not budge for me.
What kind of mistake am I making? Am I posting on the wrong forums, or am I not getting the right responses? I keep getting hassled on sites, and am really tired of this... I don't know why it is so difficult... But I just keep getting attacked, and I just keep getting attacked... I am really pissed.
No, you're post it on the right section.
It's just that it's information overload.

BTW, what do you mean by getting attacked?
Thanks... I am posting in a forum that keeps challenging me... It hurts. I get attacked... Meaning posts are hostile to my intent. People keep "referring" to professionals, and do not listen to me.
It seems I am making a lot of mistakes... Most likely do to the fact that I am unable to reason things out properly... Like the heros and villians are the same person, when I think that they are actually different.
Could it be that I am mistaking myself for an atheist... An atheist would imply that there is no greater power outside of the self, but that would imply that there is nothing other then the self. I find this puzzling...
I am still nervous... It seems I am having problems with certain structures. I cannot tell the difference between villians and heroes. But it seems that villians often use what is called hard logic, and heroes use what is called soft logic. If this is true, then I would be using neither. As a result I cannot communicate with either one, and will get attacked. I will be attacked by default by such obstacles. I can only survive in isolation, because I cannot seem to determine who I can interact with. A conflict which comes out of a variety of preferences. If I only looking for feelings, then posting on forums would normally suffice. If I would want to feel pleasure for example, I do not need physical contact, of course determining who I like on a physical level is next to impossible, as I cannot determine who to associate with. More like I am not too concerned over physical conduct. I have too many problems of my own, and I am trying to avoid obstacles to my lifestyle. I prefer my privacy, and do not like dealing with interruptions, but I cannot avoid these stone walls. They are everywhere.
I feel like I am losing it... I have been playing shiny days... Also this Ijina one... I also have been playing the latest liar soft game... I like those kind. I have always liked the liar soft visual novels, though they are difficult to read at times. I have always liked interesting literature. I keep getting nervous... It sure would be nice if I could relax for a change. It doesn't seem like I can focus much. I hate this world... I haven't even managed to stay stocked with alcohol recently... What a way to kill my enjoyment. I never know why my circumstances do not improve. Everything gets mismanaged. I cannot even enough my life anymore... Its been pretty bad. I wish I had more control, but nothing works right.
Are you thinking too much?
How about taking a break at the park, walk with a dog.
Sort out what you can do and what you cant.
Then sort out what to prioritize from what you can do~

Take in some water to cool you down. Less alcohol and thinking, more work.
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One thing for sure, drinking is not the best solution, ever.
Not for solving problem, nor for enjoyment.

Try to cut it down, OK? ;)
I take it that too is because of the "information" "overload"... I can't get a sane conversation with anybody...
In any case those last two posts were attacks, and I do not want anybody denying it. It is obvious.
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