Results 1 to 7 of 7
  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    8
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
    Points: 1,899, Level: 25
    Points: 1,899, Level: 25
    Overall activity: 0%
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    1 year registered1000 Experience Points

    My idea. Please give feedback.

    Set in an alternate time line begging in the year 2001 my story follows two teenage brothers (bill and Murry) who would do anything for each other. The boys are sons to a king who rules half the world and is at war to try and take the other half. The both boys join the military and become great warriors. Eventually during the battles the king dies and both Bill and Murry are made rulers. Not long after the boys win the war and rule the entire world equally. During the war both boys meatbjjdjx the girls they would fall in love with. Years after the war is over the boys are now men and Bill is forced to kill Murry's wife or his wife would be killed. He does so and this tears the world in half and Murry swears he'll make his brother hurt as much as he does. The world is split in two with one brother leading one half and the other the other half. At first Bill refuses to go to war (already feeling terrible for killing his brothers wife) and Just defends The part of the country he lives in. Until Murry (while trying to shoot his brother and misses) kills one of Bills son's. Causing an all out war between the two.

    Sorry for using the word "brother" a lot.
    Bill and Murry will not be the characters name's. I just didn't have names yet so I used that.
    This is a rough idea of what I want to write. There's still a lot I plan on adding.
    My goal is to get people to care about the characters as much as they would there own family.
    Please be as critical as you want.
    Now with all that being said, is this a good idea?

  2. #2
    Art of Spam~ Ghost Kitty~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Afterlife Battlefront
    Age
    26
    Posts
    147,723
    Thanks
    411
    Thanked 2,569 Times in 2,225 Posts
    Points: 359,790, Level: 100
    Points: 359,790, Level: 100
    Overall activity: 1.0%
    Overall activity: 1.0%
    Achievements:
    OverdriveThree Friends50000 Experience PointsTagger Second ClassRecommendation First ClassYour first Group
    Awards:
    WOW #1 WinnerWOW #3 ParticipantWOW #5 ParticipantWOW #5 ParticipantWOW #4 ParticipantWOW #4 ParticipantWOW #6 Participant

    Re: My idea. Please give feedback.

    You will need a stories/answers for these- How did they both ascended the throne? That usually causes large wars that tears countries apart. Why do they want to take the other half of the world? Large countries are harder to take care of and you didnt put any legit reason for why they would want to. Is this an alternate time frame diverged from our world? When did the time split start because it takes a long time to take over half the world? It it just an alternate world with its own timeline? How did a country as large as half the world form? How stable is the country? Is the other half of the world just one country? If it is a divergence from our world i do not believe that they can form a very stable country. If it is not our world then i suppose that you could say they have much more advanced technologies and whatnot but it wouldnt really be 2001. Is it really possible to take over half a world within a lifetime? Countries taken over by force or even by more peaceful means usually have rebellious groups within them. What extreme circumstances would require that one brother murder the other's wife? How did Bill convince half of the world to continue following him even though he was completely at fault for murdering his brother's wife? Did they already split the world in half to make it simpler to rule (which is odd considering how much effort they spent to unify the world)? Did the boys go to war? Frankly i do not believe children however gifted would be capable of leading an army off to war and winning unless their forces massively overwhelmed the opposition in which i believe their father would have been able to do a much better job. Usually there are people that temporarily rule for the children and these guys tend to be corrupted by the power (although not in all cases). Wars tend to depress people of a country and you will need a really good reason to drag on a war. Bill's refusal to defend his country would probably have made most of his country surrender to Murry's army without trying to fight back putting him at a large irreversible disadvantage considering how there arent any random sympathetic neighboring countries or dead armies sitting in the mountains waiting for the king's call to battle :p Unless he is a complete imbecile Bill would have retaliated when it was clear that Murry intended to go to war and started invading. Im pretty sure most of the country would have just given Bill to Murry unless Bill had a really good reason. How did Murry get close enough to shoot at Bill? If Bill had only defended the "part of the country" that he had been living in and Murry already arrived then i would say that Bill cant start "an all out war" because he already lost unless he had counter measures against such an event secretly planned although the effectiveness of such counter measures would be debatable. How did the boy get shot (i suppose childish stupidity could explain this and the fact that it was Murry who took the shot instead of a random soldier is also peculiar)? From what you wrote i supposing that Bill is the main character from how you wrote (although you could also write about both brothers by switching every other chapter to the other's viewpoint). Some random stuff i forgot to add or thought of after- If there are dissenting groups (it is neigh impossible to make everyone agree on everything) then they would probably use this time where the brothers are at war to rebel. What is the brothers' relationship? This story will change drastically depending how their relationship is (something like if one of the brothers have an inferiority complex because the other brother always seems to be better or are they all happy happy one brother would never be found without the other and they complete each other aka they are an "invincible" pair)
    Plz excuse any random errors as im sick with a headache and other random aches and its 3 in the morning =.=
    Last edited by Ghost Kitty~; February 18th, 2012 at 11:40 AM.
    Ignore This Signature

    ~Do you have a wish?~

    To the many friends that have come and gone...
    We shall miss you..~ Do drop by if you find yourself nearby..~


    Made by an odd neko~
      Spoiler: Test your video editing skills or try a random game~ 

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    8
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
    Points: 1,899, Level: 25
    Points: 1,899, Level: 25
    Overall activity: 0%
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    1 year registered1000 Experience Points

    Re: My idea. Please give feedback.

    First of all thank you so much for your time and answer. This is more like a small Synopsis of what i already have. Some of things you brought up i have thought through and have an answer for. You do bring up some pretty good points. All do a revise and post it in the next few days and if its not too much trouble could you please read that and see if i corrected what was wrong with it. Hope you feel better soon.
    Cheers.

  4. #4
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    8
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
    Points: 1,899, Level: 25
    Points: 1,899, Level: 25
    Overall activity: 0%
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    1 year registered1000 Experience Points

    Re: My idea. Please give feedback.

    How are these answers for your questions?

    How did they both ascended the throne?
    It was the kings final orders to make them both equal rulers.

    Why do they want to take the other half of the world?
    The king thinks he was given a message from god to unite the world by any means necessary. He thinks that means one world government.

    Is this an alternate time frame diverged from our world?
    I've changed that to fictional world.

    How stable is the country?
    Both country's (there are only two country's in my world and the rest in just ocean. But there big countries) have a very stable, first world population.

    Is it really possible to take over half a world within a lifetime?
    For the purpose of the story, yes. But my story will span over years.


    Countries taken over by force or even by more peaceful means usually have rebellious groups within them.
    In the longer version i wrote that there are and play an important part in my story.


    What extreme circumstances would require that one brother murder the other's wife?
    Have an answer for that in my longer version too. Its a understandable reason. One i think most people would choose.

    How did Bill convince half of the world to continue following him even though he was completely at fault for murdering his brother's wife?
    There are only a few people that know that his wife was murdered. Murry dosent bring it up to gain an upper hand because he dosent want to drag his wife's name through the mud.

    Did they already split the world in half to make it simpler to rule (which is odd considering how much effort they spent to unify the world)? Did the boys go to war?
    Yes. It was there fathers goal to unite the world, not there's. After there father was killed during the war they both decided to get vengeance on the other country (who they blame for there fathers death) and in turn, win the war.

    Did the boys go to war? Frankly i do not believe children however gifted would be capable of leading an army off to war.
    Part of the story is how there both so gifted in war and war related things.

    Frankly i do not believe children however gifted would be capable of leading an army off to war and winning unless their forces massively overwhelmed the opposition in which i believe their father would have been able to do a much better job.
    By that point in the story they would both in there mid to late 20's. So not children any more.

    Bill's refusal to defend his country would probably have made most of his country surrender to Murry's army without trying to fight.
    Should have been more clear on this part. He defends and stops his country from being invaded but dosent launch any counter attacks until Bill's son is killed.

    Im pretty sure most of the country would have just given Bill to Murry unless Bill had a really good reason.
    He's still there ruler. i feel being the ruler is a pretty good reason.

    How did Murry get close enough to shoot at Bill?
    Also have a reason for that in the lager story.

    If Bill had only defended the "part of the country" that he had been living in and Murry already arrived then i would say that Bill cant start "an all out war" because he already lost.
    Changed that too he defends his whole country.

    If there are dissenting groups (it is neigh impossible to make everyone agree on everything) then they would probably use this time where the brothers are at war to rebel.
    Part of my bigger story.

    What are the brothers relationship?
    The closest brothers could be. With different views on the world and where it should go (I elaborate on this and many other characters in the bigger version) up until the wife being shot.

    Is that good?

  5. #5
    Art of Spam~ Ghost Kitty~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Afterlife Battlefront
    Age
    26
    Posts
    147,723
    Thanks
    411
    Thanked 2,569 Times in 2,225 Posts
    Points: 359,790, Level: 100
    Points: 359,790, Level: 100
    Overall activity: 1.0%
    Overall activity: 1.0%
    Achievements:
    OverdriveThree Friends50000 Experience PointsTagger Second ClassRecommendation First ClassYour first Group
    Awards:
    WOW #1 WinnerWOW #3 ParticipantWOW #5 ParticipantWOW #5 ParticipantWOW #4 ParticipantWOW #4 ParticipantWOW #6 Participant

    Re: My idea. Please give feedback.

    How did they both ascended the throne?
    It was the kings final orders to make them both equal rulers.
    Ok this would work considering how they are close brothers.

    Why do they want to take the other half of the world?
    The king thinks he was given a message from god to unite the world by any means necessary. He thinks that means one world government.
    Did they already split the world in half to make it simpler to rule (which is odd considering how much effort they spent to unify the world)? Did the boys go to war?
    Yes. It was there fathers goal to unite the world, not there's. After there father was killed during the war they both decided to get vengeance on the other country (who they blame for there fathers death) and in turn, win the war.
    Are the brothers also religious or do they just want revenge? Seems that they are non religious here.

    Everything else is ok or stuff i cant really decide on till ive actually read the longer story~
    Ignore This Signature

    ~Do you have a wish?~

    To the many friends that have come and gone...
    We shall miss you..~ Do drop by if you find yourself nearby..~


    Made by an odd neko~
      Spoiler: Test your video editing skills or try a random game~ 

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    8
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
    Points: 1,899, Level: 25
    Points: 1,899, Level: 25
    Overall activity: 0%
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    1 year registered1000 Experience Points

    Re: My idea. Please give feedback.

    Im still writing the whole story. I know you'd need to see it all to make a final derision but just from an idea point of view, would this be something you'd be interested in reading?

  7. #7
    Art of Spam~ Ghost Kitty~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Afterlife Battlefront
    Age
    26
    Posts
    147,723
    Thanks
    411
    Thanked 2,569 Times in 2,225 Posts
    Points: 359,790, Level: 100
    Points: 359,790, Level: 100
    Overall activity: 1.0%
    Overall activity: 1.0%
    Achievements:
    OverdriveThree Friends50000 Experience PointsTagger Second ClassRecommendation First ClassYour first Group
    Awards:
    WOW #1 WinnerWOW #3 ParticipantWOW #5 ParticipantWOW #5 ParticipantWOW #4 ParticipantWOW #4 ParticipantWOW #6 Participant

    Re: My idea. Please give feedback.

    Hmm im quite an odd person so i dont think my vote would correspond with societal views too much~ I also read about everything (found about three books that bored me and i was quite a bookworm until i found anime last year) I suppose i would be interested in reading this as it fits some of the genres that i prefer.
    Ignore This Signature

    ~Do you have a wish?~

    To the many friends that have come and gone...
    We shall miss you..~ Do drop by if you find yourself nearby..~


    Made by an odd neko~
      Spoiler: Test your video editing skills or try a random game~ 

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Making Games. Have anyone ever give it a thought?
    By Neo-Exile in forum Game Talk
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: January 27th, 2014, 11:06 PM
  2. Replies: 1
    Last Post: April 16th, 2012, 08:24 PM
  3. AnoOtaku intro [Feedback please?]
    By TeaGrinder in forum AMV
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: April 5th, 2012, 10:14 AM
  4. [Album] [120211] AKB48 – GIVE ME FIVE! [WAV] [DP+RG]
    By Quas in forum Non-OST music
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: February 17th, 2012, 06:31 PM
  5. Result, Discussion, Feedback of the Raffle
    By Checkmate in forum Graphics Showcase
    Replies: 58
    Last Post: November 8th, 2011, 06:39 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •