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Thread: so idk..

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    ~♥RadiantHeart♥~ ~SnowAngel~'s Avatar
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    so idk..

    this will be a super-duper long and sorta personal thread for anyone concerned about me. I may/may not reply, this is meant to release and answer to a lot of things from the past. I hope that many of you will receive a love and peace after reading this thread and go on to find happiness outside of here. I won't poke at specific people.. so I'll be very vague, but I do hope they'll get a chance to see this.

    First I want to say thank you.. to anyone who showed an interest in talking to me. We've had some good and bad experiences, and I'm thankful for all of them since they have allowed me to grow more positively. yes.. even if you believe it was horrible between us lol. I can tell you that a lot of times I acted like I was okay even though I really wasn't... Just from all the heartbreak and drama, I'm sorry if I made anyone's life somehow worse. I hope that you'll forgive me even though I really don't deserve it.. if anything, I hope that you'll be free from anything I've done to upset you.

    To the staff (and others over them)~
    thank you for putting up with me, and I'm sorry for all the stress I caused you. I know that your life is important, and I hope you will be successful in every way. I sorta wish we could have been better friends but I guess it just couldn't work out.. I don't know what has become of the extra albums I uploaded in my folder, but I hope you'll find them useful. It gave me errors when I hit 150G, and couldn't upload the rest (searched about an upload cap). Some of the sources I found them eventually died out (website and all), so a few of those albums are basically the last potentially available to others. Perhaps everyone is too busy to have even looked through them... but what I don't know about them won't bother me, so just do what you'd like with them.
    Aside from music, I hope all of you are doing better without me there. I can't imagine what it was like after I left suddenly.. one thing I was afraid of is if people thought of reasons why I left, or why it was good that I did.. if you have, I forgive those thoughts too. I hope that you have vision for your staff and leaders, as well as new changes. Please remember that everyone truly does appreciate what you do, and how many lives you have changed here. I mean it lol, you've changed mine after all

    I suppose I'll give a life update.. overall things have been up and down. I'm sorta trying to climb back up again but it's extremely hard this time </3
    after I left.... it felt horrible like there really wasn't someone who cared very much that I did (won't blame you). but after a while I was just free, but still felt kept back by a few things. I just wanted to get on with life and put it all behind me for good, without being bitter about it. So then I guess I did around August, and only then did I really feel free from so many expectations and worries. Between sorta leaving and really leaving, I got involved with anime amino a bit. It was great at first.. but then became a horrible place full of drama beyond your wildest imagination! XD I met someone on there and she became a good friend. I'm still talking to her through kik, she's helped me lots and I know I've helped her too. I also made a friend that I fell in love with kinda fast... They were almost like my only friend, the kind I really had hoped I would make someday. I did have more friends, but not someone as close. They had a crush and... their heart was destroyed and I was there for them (despite mine hurting too from being turned down.. lol). We became friends like we were before, but we started talking to each other less and I can only hope I'll have a chance to talk again.. oh I didn't mention, they introduced me into a ballet class and I've been in one since then! :3 we're doing the nutcracker for December lol. I've been using instragram and weheartit.. just like crazy lately.
    I sorta had a lot of my dreams figured out, about what I want to do as a psychologist, family stuff, even down to the right person. But these past few weeks it's like all of that was taken away.... I only have a small grasp of hope, but it feels like nothing. I can barely even imagine my future now.. yet I still choose to hope and go toward what I know I can or should do. I'm glad that I was about to counsel people in a real-experience kind of way, and in spring I may even get an internship! but first I have to deal with all of these feelings and let nothing hold me back. (hence this thread lol). I have struggled lots this fall, but it just made me more humble, closer to God, and realize where I've been stuck. Through my counseling theory classes, simply reading it was life changing for me lol.
    I'm not sure what I should say, but please don't be concerned with things like people cyberbullying me or anything. All of that's behind.. and people are still there for me. but if you really do want to get to know me more, send me a *private message* about what way you'd like to contact me... if you have any means to use kik, instagram, or maybe something other than Skype (i just don't use it.. lol) then let me know. Emails are okay but they tend to be so long i'm just like uhg!! Please don't reply to this thread if you do pm me.. that would really tell me something about you (it shows me who reads everything and who doesn't.. lol)

    I probably shouldn't mention any of the negatives or specific struggles I've been going through.. but do know that God has my heart and I am still living for the future. I do have people I have talked to or know I can. I love helping people cope with life and find the right answers.. even this one girl (who is German!!!) asked me for help the day I met her lol. It was such a precious time getting to know her and share our lives. now I just have to review my german books.. she knows more english than I know German lol. People are just inspiring to me. Once Upon a Time (tv series) is also amazingly inspiring, I highly recommend it!
    I've just been more self-searching, went to counseling a few times recently and realize just how much more there is to me. I'm so ready to fall in love.. and I just struggle with that sometimes since all of my good old friends are married or in a relationship. I can't see myself finding someone outside of my home church, I'm open to the opportunity but it's almost like nobody wants me.. anytime I try to be close it's just uhg, even for some friends. Most of mine sorta change to it's almost like having a new life.... I now I sound depressed and I'll be honest, it does get to me but I just bounce right back out lol. As long as I have good close friends, I know that I can wait however long it takes, and I'll just keep trying no matter what I fear. so yeah.. something for you to pray about if you will please

    I think this song just describes perfectly where I'm at right now.

    *read only if you really care about me as a friend (and absolutely have to hear my confession), pretty please
    (it's long and vague for a reason)

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    ~Love Angel<3
    Dark Angel, nawi, thecoins and 3 others like this.

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